Benefits that don't benefit?

Well, I was recently reminded that it's been almost a month since I've updated my blog. Time sure does fly, right? Things are really going well here in Portland with school, community, friends, provision, and most of all Jesus. As I came here about six weeks ago I was almost to the point of "blah" in my relationship with God. I'm not saying the summer wasn't great or anything. I was diffenately being stretched in new ways by living with my sister in Mississippi during her back surgery recovery time. It's just that my heart really wasn't connecting with Jesus' love or something. It's kind of hard to explain. I really think that, like so often before, I was getting in the way.

For a long time now I think that I've been at the center of my relationship with God. Without even really realizing it. I've been continually focusing at all the benefits that come with knowing and experiencing God's love. These are in no way bad. Infact, they're awesome! Through Christ's love I've been transformed, made new. Old self, old habits, old perspective have all completely been turned upside down and spun around. But was I in it just for the benefits? So often I've heard in church, "Come to Jesus and he'll fix your hurts, or he'll restore your broken relationships, or he'll even repair your bank account." It just seems like a very consumeristic approach to God's love, doesn't? It's like I've been attracted to this one-stop shop of Jesus fixes all. And sure..., with relationship with Him, beneficial transformation definately occurs, but if that's all I'm in it for, then what about the parts of the Bible that I'm reading that talk about uniting with Christ's suffering and pain in our connection to the world? Loving our enemies, giving better than receiving, that's not all that desirable to me. Where do all these things fit into my consumption of "Benefit(ME) Jesus"?

I'm realizing more and more each day that I can't go on simply consuming God's love. Instead, God's love is consuming me. It surrounds me, penetrates me, overflows out of me. It gives itself away to us all, beckoning us to participate in the hardest situations and relationships to show this love. Dorothy Day has this amazing quote that comes to mind. (And if you don't know who Dorothy is I strongly recommend you google her when you finish reading this.) She says that the only thing harder than hatred is love. One of the leading theologians of the 20th century, Karl Barth, was asked one day what the most profound discovery he ever found of God in all the scriptures This was asked of a brilliant aged man who spent countless hours contemplating and living this gospel his entire life. Amongst some of the other greatest intellectual theologians in the entire world he simply answered, "Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so." Jesus loves YOU, and He loves ME, and He loves His whole creation!

"And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from his love. Death can't, and life can't. The angels can't, and the demons can't. Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow, and even the powers of hell can't keep God's love away." Romans 8:38 NLT

I can only explain my previous disconnect with God's love was the result of my lack of acknowledging it was within my midst. Other things have always gotten in the way of me knowing, experiencing and seeing it. Who would have thought the the benefits of Christ would be one of those things?